You did it. You kept a human alive and thriving for 365 days. After 525,600 minutes, glasses of wine and Google searches, it all comes down to this: the 1st birthday party.
Is it for them? For instagram likes? Or an excuse for you to drink champagne and cry? I’ll be honest, I’m not sure. But I these 8 things will totally happen in the process.
You’ll Spend His College Fund.
The very little that you started to save in the first place will be gone. Consider that piggy bank smashed. Do you know how much a helium tank goes for these days? More importantly, did you know rock candy costs as much as a helium tank? It doesn’t matter, you need all of it.
You’ll become an expert on things you never thought you’d care about.
The average life expectancy of a mermaid is 36. Chicken noodle soup that was flown on Apollo 11 is worth more than your life. Unicorns fart glitter. The first dinosaur to be formally named was the Megalosaurus. This party will be authentic AF.
You’ll ruin your walls.
Kiss your security deposit goodbye. Your landlord will be convinced you threw a Keg & Eggs banger, not a Pancake and Pajamas soiree that wrapped up by nap time. There’s 923 variations of the Command hook, yet none can hold your balloon garland just right. Stick to a hammer and some duct tape–literally–and it’ll look like you hired a professional.
You’ll forget it’s your birthday, too.
Last year you planned a trip to Vegas to see BSB front row. That trip was cancelled once you did the math and realized you’d be 36 weeks pregnant at showtime, but you always did it big. This year you listen to their new album while you curate the perfect collection of moon rocks for your little dude’s big day. With a glass–or 12–of wine, of course.
You’ll invite someone you met once.
The kid with the rash from your trial swim class, your downstairs neighbor you’ve never spoken too, the cashier at the grocery store. They’re all invited. This is your baby’s FIRST BIRTHDAY and everyone’s coming.
You’ll convince yourself that there must be a petting zoo.
It will not matter if you’re celebrating at a princess tea party…there will be goats. And pigs. And giraffes if you know the right people.
You’ll cry. A lot.
That’s your baby. You literally just met that mush 5 minutes ago and now they’re double fisting smash cakes. What an amazing and heartbreaking feeling all mixed into one. Time surely flies, everyone warned you.
You’ll party hard.
Once you wipe the tears off of your face and custom NASA jacket, it’s time to celebrate. You literally watched a tiny person you made change and grow for an entire year. Drink it all in, and drink champagne.
Whether you celebrate with some extra snuggles before work, or you erect an entire circus tent and hire Raffi, this is a day you’ll never forget.
I don’t think the collections calls will ever let me forget it.