Dream On

Pregnancy hormones keep plenty busy over 9 months, responsible for things like headaches, skin issues, and uncontrollable mood swings. Those symptoms were expected, but I made a huge mistake in underestimating their sorcery and ability to hijack my dreams.

A lot of books mention “sexy” dreams as a common occurrence. There’s been nothing “sexy” about my pregnancy dreams, and the only time I woke up sweaty and out of breath was when I just witnessed the father of my child cheating on me (in the dream!).

The Comedy

Although Cristiano Ronaldo made a cameo in one of my hormone-fueled dreams, it was NOT “sexy” by any means. It was wildly confusing. He was my boating instructor.

It’s unclear if I was a bad student, or he was a bad teacher, but we wound up running over multiple small boats with the yacht that was clearly too much for me to handle. Neither of us were phased, and at the end of my lesson, he had something for me. A calculator device that was meant to help me decipher the best times to invest in Gatorade stocks.

I haven’t been on a boat since before I found out I was expecting. I also never invested in any stocks.

The Nightmare

My lovey paid for this one in the morning.

Not only did he cheat on me, he cheated on me IN FRONT OF ME and my bump. He showed no remorse and the female followed me on Instagram shortly after the interaction.

My reaction? I every so calmly broke a mirror and gave him what looked like a paper cut across his stomach.

I refused to talk to him the following morning until he made me a cup of decaf. Once I searched his REAL life followers on social media, the phantom home wrecker’s Insta-handle still fresh in my mind, and came up empty handed, I was ready to get on with my day.

The Tear Jerker

I truly thank the hormones for this one, it’s the only time I’d be able to see my baby and Pop Pop together.

My mom had been holding onto a video monitor that hadn’t been used in “13” years, and wanted to use it for the new baby. Once we focused the monitor on my new babe, we saw my Pop Pop there with him, laughing and dancing.

Simple, and so comforting. I woke up in tears. We lost my Pop Pop when I was 8 and I know he’s been with us since.  This dream helped put a lot of my pregnancy-related anxieties to rest, knowing he would still be watching over us during this new chapter.

What are some of the craziest pregnancy dreams you’ve had? Share in the comments!

He Ate the Bagels

After a long day of being tired and hungry, I was exhausted and starving. I’m talking “I can’t be bothered with cooking, and if I could safely swallow food while sleeping I’d never leave the house” type hungry and tired.

Target acquired: Mama wants a cinnamon raisin bagel, maybe even 2, I was no longer in control. I spent my entire drive home longing for cinnamon swirls to dance on my tongue with raisin bombs exploding in a bed of carbs. Sweet baby Simon! I could smell the sweet aroma as if it were a Yankee Candle.

I did the pregnant shuffle as fast as my feet could handle, nearly knocking over my love and Christmas tree in a manic bagel fury.  I’m sure he’d understand after being briefed with a text explaining just how hungry and tired I was earlier. On my way to the pantry, I told him I was going to “make love to every bagel we had in the house.”

His face immediately looked like he ran over a squirrel.

“YOU DIDN’T!” my voice cracked. My reaction mirrored that of when I found out the Jonas Brothers were breaking up. Pitiful, “how could you?!” tears fogged up my glasses.

I could hardly look in his direction as he pleaded his case. Through apologies and promises to take me on a VIP tour of the Thomas’ bread factory, I heard “they weren’t marked with your name!” Those words split through the rest in a violent manner. I think I temporarily blacked out. No, they were not marked. We are not college roommates. There is an unspoken law that no food source in a pregnant woman’s home should be exhausted without being immediately replaced. (If there wasn’t before there certainly is now).

I handled this situation the way almost any lady with a baby would…”I’m not even hungry, I’m going to bed.”

30 minutes later a pizza arrived at my door, hot and fresh and without cinnamon or any raisins.

I love you, babe. Pregnant me just really loves bagels.

P.S. I’m from New Jersey where the bagels taste like kissing an angel. If I can’t have a Thomas’ cinnamon raisin bagel when a craving hits, what do I have left?

P.P.S. Looking back now, he was probably just getting back at me for asking him to sleep on the couch the night before. Apparently in a delusional state I exclaimed that I had “finally found a comfortable position and it requires the entire bed and all his pillows.” I don’t remember saying this, but I did find the poor guy on the couch in the morning.